As soon as people (mostly women who have already had children) find out your pregnant, you're in for more advice than you can handle. From what kind of diaper to buy to the things you need (or don't need) and even what foods you can or can't eat.
The other day, someone said to me, "Ya know, you don't need all that stuff they tell you to buy. A baby can sleep in a laundry basket or a dresser drawer." Really? Of course a baby can sleep in a laundry basket or a dresser drawer .... but I'm still buying a crib. And I may not need a swing or a changing table or a bottle scrubby thing (yeah, I said bottle scrubby thing) .... but they're going to make my life easier. Yeah, I'm that rebel mom who actually bought a diaper pail too. "Oh those things never work. You can still smell the dirty diapers." Well maybe for me, it's not about the smell so much as it is to #1 have a convenient place to throw a dirty diaper and #2 have a secure place to put them so my dogs don't decide to treat themselves to an appetizer before dinner. (Yes, I have a dog who eats poop).
Another popular opinion is whether or not we should find out the sex of the baby. We want to know. Others do not - which is fine for them. But I'm sort of a control freak .... and I need to know every little thing about Sea Monkey - including if it's a boy or a girl! "But there are so few surprises in life, I can't believe you're finding out early. You know, a lot of times they are wrong so you shouldn't buy pink or blue stuff anyway." We're still going to be surprised - when we find out on March 7th. And yes, I'm aware the doctor or ultrasound tech could make a mistake. But that's why they make receipts and return policies. Jeez people - RELAX! I had no idea my choices and decisions were such a big deal to you.
While it's flattering you feel the need to be concerned about the choices we make about Sea Monkey and his or her arrival, it's exhausting having to justify your choices over, and over, and over again.
Which is why .... we will not be sharing any name choices with anyone. We are going to make that decision all by ourselves - and Mike and I may have a hard enough time coming to a decision just between the two of us, we certainly don't need 100 other opinions on what's a good name or a bad name. Don't worry dad, Greenleaf is officially off the list.
Here are a few suggestions regarding your pregnancy:
ReplyDelete1. Make sure that you eat pizza.
2. Don't let Mike punch you in the stomach any longer.
3. When you vomit (and you certainly will, if you haven't already) save some so you can show your child when they're old enough to comprehend what hell you went through to have them.
4. Pick out a name that is unique. Or even slightly embarrassing. After all, the baby's name is the only thing that it won't have any choice over in life. It's the one thing sea monkey can blame his/her parents for.
5. When you go to Babies "R" Us, complain loudly about the prices for baby supplies, specifically rectal thermometers, until you are thrown out of the store and asked never to return again.
6. When people get too nosy, tell them you're a lesbian. That'll put them off long enough for you to make an escape.
7. Make a list of all the benefits of having a baby. Then make a list of all the not-good things about having a baby. Take a good long look at the not-good things and slowly come to the realization that that list doesn't matter any more and you're stuck with sea monkey.
8. Tell perfect strangers that you are giving birth to an actual sea monkey because you were inseminated by a heretofore harmless looking sea creature. Tell them that that is the reason you refer to the baby as "sea monkey."
9. If your obstetrician asks you to spin madly around in a circle before the ultrasound, "to give sea monkey a fun ride," politely refuse and find a new obstetrician.
10. Foods that you find disgusting are always great for the nurturing of the baby. Seek out those foods in great quantity and prepare them in the most unappetizing way possible. This will ensure proper nutrition for the baby, and give you reason to be resentful toward the baby from the moment he/she is born. This, in turn, will make your relationship with the baby strained and uncomfortable through your entire lives, as the baby will not receive the proper love and attention it needs during the "critical" periods when you should be loving and attentive. Alternately, you can use a wire monkey to nurture your baby instead of a soft, plush one. This will prepare the baby for the perils it will most likely face in life, since life is cold and unfair.
Feel free to ask me for more advice if you'd like. I'd love to be even more help.